The Back Door to Behavior Regulation

Virtually every parent, teacher, or caregiver wants well-behaved kids.  Theories abound how to achieve that goal.  My experience as a therapist has taught me that a “one-size-fits-all” approach isn’t effective.  Every child has unique talents and needs, therefore every parenting approach has to be tailored or personalized by wise parents.  But general patterns point the parents in the right direction. 

The four approaches I start with in teaching parenting is:

1.   Behavioral (e.g. Thomas Phelan’s 1-2-3 Magic)

2.     Love and Logic (e.g. Foster and Cline)

3.     Screamfree Parenting (e.g. Hal Runkel)

4.     Attachment (e.g. Theraplay, DDP, or Circle of Security)

There are many other approaches, of course.  But these are good approaches to start with. 

But in this blog I want to focus on just two – behaviorism and attachment.  There’s an extensive literature on the issue and if you like dry, academic writing I can point you in the right direction – just email me at drkyleweir@gmail.com or kyle@roubicekandthacker.com .  I’ll email you my book chapter called “Playing for Keeps” that extensively reviews the literature debate between the two research approaches. But here, I want to simply express a view you won’t see in academia. 

Let’s start with an example.  If you take a class of thirty kids and try to behaviorally regulate them.  Behavioral approaches (names on the board, red-yellow-green lights, token economies, time-outs) will work on about 25 out of the 30 kids.  But for the remaining children, giving consequences for bad behavior will likely increase their bad behavior.  Why?  Because, presuming these children have attachment issues, the child views the punishment in relational terms rather than behavioral terms.  To my friends enamored with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, consider it this way: The child has a cognitive distortion where instead of applying the consequence to their behaviors, they apply it to the relationship.  So when the teacher gives the consequence for an attachment-disordered child’s behavior, the child doesn’t think, “I shouldn’t have done that” (like most kids would think); rather the child thinks, “My teacher hates me.  Well, I hate her, too, so I’ll just be even worse for her.”  The same is true for foster children.  I’ve heard them say things like, “My foster mom hates me, because she punished me.  I’m not gonna do what she says.”

So with attachment disordered children you can’t go in the “front door” (meaning using behavioral techniques) to regulate behavior.  While the behavioral approach works for most kids, it generally exacerbates the problem with attachment-disordered children.  That’s why we have to go through the “back door” to behavioral regulation.  The back door is a path that starts with building safe and secure attachments first, then helping to regulate emotions, and finally the child will self-regulate their own behaviors in an attachment-secure, emotionally-regulated context. 

That’s why I start using a special form of play therapy called Theraplay®. Theraplay is a non-coercive, attachment-savvy form of play therapy developed by Dr. Ann Jernberg in Chicago, IL in the late 1960s.  It focuses on improving the parent-child relationship with play emphasizing the four dimensions of attachment: Structure, Engagement, Nurture, and Challenge.  The therapist helps parents and children learn to play and interact in ways that build a safe secure attachment relationship and helps the child regulate their emotions.  (For a full description of Theraplay see Booth & Jernberg, 2010 or www.theraplay.org - a future blog will give more detail.)

It’s amazing to me but after 12 sessions or so, the children generally feel safe and secure in their family relationships, learn how to regulate their emotions, and then self-regulate their behavior.  In a clinical study we conducted we found that children showed statistically-significant improvement in overall behavioral functioning after 12-15 weeks of Theraplay sessions (see Weir et al., 2013). 

There are many other good non-coercive, attachment-savvy approaches (I also utilize Dan Hughes’ Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy), but Theraplay’s empirical basis is strong and grower more respected every year. 

I’ve done the scientific research to show that Theraplay works.  A study I published in Adoption Quarterly (Weir et al., 2013) about adoptive families we used Theraplay with found that parents improved in some aspects (communication and interpersonal roles).  But the largest, most significant finding was that Theraplay led to statistically significant improvement in overall emotional and behavior functioning.  So now I can tell parents starting out in Theraplay sessions with me, we know the science behind the treatment – “there’s a method to our madness” – so to speak.  Theraplay really works for families. My hope is that if you are struggling with your child, it will work for you.

Kyle N. Weir, PhD, LMFT, is a Professor of Marriage & Family Therapy at California State University – Fresno, a Therapist at Roubicek & Thacker, and author of Intimacy, Identity, and Ice Cream: Teaching Teens and Young Adults to Live the Law of Chastity.

Sex is Like Ice Cream: Talking to Kids about Sex (From an LDS Perspective)

Teens and young adults are bombarded with messages about sex everyday.  They often struggle to make the decision not to engage in some form of sexual activity on a daily basis.  As parents and church leaders we need to become more effective in teaching and supporting them in their struggle to live virtuously.  If we as parents don’t teach them our knowledge of the truth, we will have conceded defeat from the start.  Most parents feel they need to talk about sex with their children but feel uncomfortable doing so because they don’t know how.  Sometimes, parents feel having “the sex talk” is a one-time event rather than an on-going discussion throughout their child’s life course.  In the past, out of a desire to prevent kids from having sex, parents and leaders have used metaphors and messages that might lead a youth to believe sex is a dirty or negative thing.  This doesn’t work! We can and must do much better! 

Specifically, parents and church leaders can use positive, uplifting examples to teach children and youth about the sacredness and beauty of our God-given procreative powers.  Positive examples by Church leaders using analogies to teach about sexuality include comparing sexual intimacy to fire and the sacrament (Holland, 1989).  But I would like to talk about how sex is like ice cream.  As a bishop, I started giving a lesson about the law of chastity that the youth dubbed “The Ice Cream Talk.”  They would ask for me to give it frequently, so I knew that it was helping them and empowering them to live more virtuously.  Let me share just a some of the ways I compared sex to ice cream from the “Ice Cream Talk.”

Sex is Like…  Ice Cream

            I believe a positive way to teach youth about the law of chastity is the use of the analogy of ice cream.  Sex is like ice cream, here are just three of the ways:

1.     Like ice cream, sex is so good that it is worth waiting for;

2.     Like ice cream, premature exposure can have lifelong, adverse consequences; and

3.     Like ice cream is enjoyable in this mortal sphere, the Restored Gospel teaches us that we can enjoy marital intimacy and the possibility of having “eternal increase” and a “continuation of our seed forever” in heaven as exalted beings.

Sex is Like Ice Cream… It’s So Good It’s Worth Waiting For

            I have to give credit about this first aspect of the metaphor to someone who was a good friend of mine when I was in college, Jeff Parkin, son of former General Relief Society President Bonnie Parkin.  Jeff and Jana Parkin were a married couple in the University of Southern California (USC) student ward when I was a freshman in college there. Jeff said, “Sex is like ice cream; it’s so good it’s worth waiting for.  And if someone gave you a little taste and then said now you have to wait years until you are ready to have this, it would be really difficult.  But if you’ve never tasted ice cream until you are ready to have it, then you can wait patiently more easily and enjoy it when it’s the right time.” 

            Jeff was absolutely right about that.  Marital sex is very good.  There has been extensive research to prove that very point.  One of the best summaries of this well-researched truth is found in Dr. Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher’s (2000) book The Case for Marriage.  For many decades now social science research has indicated that both the best quantity and quality of sex happens in marriage.  That means compared to singles, dating couples, and cohabiting couples, married couples have sex more frequently and are more satisfied by their sexual experiences with their partners – by far!  Marital sex is unquestionably the best sex, most satisfying sex, and most frequently occurring sex compared to other relationship forms.  Social science research has finally caught up with God’s wisdom in this instance – nothing compares with marital sex.  It is further evidence that trying to find happiness by going against God’s teachings doesn’t work.  Thinking we know better than God how to have happy, fulfilling sex lives by engaging in sex outside of the marital covenant is sheer hubris. There are several reasons for the vast superiority of marital sex which center primarily on the principles of availability, permanence/commitment, sexual exclusivity, and specialization advantages in marital relationships that are not enjoyed by other sexual pairings.  Husbands and wives who co-create their sexuality together in the permanent, exclusive bond of marriage create a quality in their sexuality that cannot be matched by other relational forms.  That’s why married sex is by far the best sex available.

            But what happens to individuals and couples who don’t wait to “taste the ice cream,” as my friend Jeff described it.  If marital sex is really that good, why wait? Why not marry at much younger ages in the teens (as was done in much of human history prior to the twentieth century)?  What could possibly go wrong by premature exposure to sex?

Sex is Like Ice Cream… Premature Exposure Can Have Lifelong, Adverse Consequences

            Let me start by telling you a story about one of my experiences as a “dumb father” – a story which illustrates how unprepared I was to be a father when the opportunity first came into my life.  My wife, Allison, and I had been married just five months when the chance came to adopt our first child, Kellie.  Allison and I were just 22 years old when Kellie was born and it was only a few weeks later when she came to live in our home.  Fortunately, Allison knew a lot about kids and parenting.  I was a complete novice.  One day I was musing to Allison about how I wanted to be a “cool dad” (mistake #1).  To me, I thought being a “cool dad” meant not being firm about rules and expectations (mistake #2).  I mentioned to Allison that I was going to be the kind of dad that let his kids eat whatever they wanted for breakfast.  I was considering giving Kellie ice cream for breakfast.  Allison gave me that sideways glance and wryly asked, “You do know what happens to infants when you give them dairy products in the first year of life, don’t you?”  I honestly hadn’t a clue. 

“No, uh… what?” I replied.

“They can develop lactose intolerance.  It can affect them for life,” she taught me.  Needless to say, I didn’t give her ice cream for breakfast.  I learned how little I actually knew about parenting.  Thankfully, Kellie, and her five siblings later to come survived my “on-the-job” learning approach to parenting as life went on.

Sex is a lot like ice cream in this sense.  I told this very story about “ice cream for breakfast” to the youth and parents in my ward during the now famous “Ice Cream Talk.”  Then I drew the connection for them: if you are prematurely involved in sexual activities, it can become a life-long struggle to live the law of chastity.  

As a therapist and former bishop I have had countless people come in to meet with me and seek help to overcome sexual problems in their life.  They started to engage in sexual activities (pornography, masturbation, and sexual encounters with other people) early in life prior to marriage often develop addictions and/or compulsions that harrow their lives in misery.  In some cases, even after much sore repentance and years of faithfulness, they must still stand constantly vigilant against sexual sins all the days of their lives.  I’ve counseled with both men and women alike struggle with serious, habitual sexual sin.  I’ve helped people whose ages span from very young pre-teens to the considerably elderly.  What I’ve learned is that Satan’s attack on sexual purity often starts younger than most parents and Church leaders imagine and that he relentlessly pursues those who fall prey to his early traps all the days of their lives.  The Adversary, like his evil servant Amalickiah, is persistent in the pursuit of corrupting and destroying the souls of men and one of his favorite tactics is enslaving people in addictions and compulsions – especially sexual sins (see in Alma 47: 10-19).  Like Amalickiah, Satan just won’t quit.  He doesn’t like to take no for an answer.  But we can be comforted that God has so ordained that the he must take no for an answer when we firmly and consistently use our moral agency to resist temptation and choose righteousness and purity (see Jacob 3: 1-2). 

            The average age of the first sexual experience for people who eventually develop sexually compulsive behaviors/addictions is 11 years old. One of the central features of sexual addiction is that it erroneously changes and distorts one’s core beliefs about one’s self, the opposite sex, the nature and meaning of sex, and how to meet one’s basic needs in life.  Like all addictions, sexual addiction is about using something (in this case various kinds of sexual activities) to avoid negative emotions that the addict doesn’t know how to or want to deal with and assuage pains that they wish to avoid.  Sexual addiction/compulsion, when allowed to increase in deviancy, can so thoroughly change what arouses an individual that they can reach a point where normal sexual intercourse with their spouse is unfulfilling.  Sex addiction can literally cause neurological changes to the brain.  Though it can take years, there is evidence that the sex addict’s brain can heal, but it requires significant treatment and effort in recovery.  I know that repentance really works and heals, but it often takes a great exertion to free oneself from sexual sin.  Openly and actively teaching our youth to prevent such sin at young ages will greatly benefit their lives.

For years, we have heard the prophets and apostles warn men young and old in General Conference Priesthood Sessions that pornography and other sexual sins must be avoided.  They have consistently taught that pornography is every bit as addictive as narcotics or other habit-forming drugs.  Now we have the scientific evidence to support those warning statements.  It is very important for a young person to heed the counsel of the prophets and avoid sexual sins.  If they have yielded to temptation and sin, it is essential to go get help from their bishop, and maybe professional counselors and therapists.  Early intervention and treatment leads to far better outcomes.  It’s important to get help before these problems become deeply engrained. 

Just as a warning label on a tub of ice cream might have helped me when I was a young, naïve father to avoid giving ice cream to my daughter (thankfully my wife corrected me in time), the clarion call of the prophets and other Church leaders warn us that engaging in sexual activities, including pornography and masturbation, can cause life-long, adverse effects.  Our youth must heed the warning or suffer these consequences.  It’s our responsibility as parents and Church leaders to teach these things to our children.

             

“Heaven Wouldn’t Be Heaven Without Ice Cream” – Restored Truths & Exalted Potential

            As a little boy, I absolutely knew that my dad loved ice cream.  We didn’t have a lot of money, so ice cream tended to be a rare treat.  But whenever we had ice cream my dad would often say, “Heaven wouldn’t be heaven without ice cream.” It made me wonder what heaven would be like.  Would there be pleasures, like ice cream, in heaven or not?  Most people, particularly outside the church, imagine heaven to be a place devoid of earthly pleasures.  To most people, heaven is a place up in the clouds where we sing in choirs, play harps, and dress in white robes.  If people were truly honest with themselves, that description of heaven sounds kind of uneventful and lacking in purpose – even boring – to some.  At least to my mind as a little boy, that kind of heaven seemed unappealing, made no sense, and was lacking the good things we enjoy here on earth.

            I came to learn that I wasn’t the first person to ponder that question.  Mark Twain, in his posthumously published collection of essays Letters from the Earth (1962), describes a fictionalized set of letters exchanged between the “archangel Satan” and the other archangels Gabriel and Michael.  In Letter II, the devil complains:

“For there is nothing about man that is not strange to an immortal. He looks at nothing as we look at it…

“For instance, take this sample: he has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights, the one ecstasy that stands first and foremost in the heart of every individual of his race -- and of ours -- sexual intercourse!

“…His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word, it has not a single feature in it that he actually values. It consists -- utterly and entirely -- of diversions which he cares next to nothing about, here in the earth, yet is quite sure he will like them in heaven. Isn't it curious? Isn't it interesting?” (Mark Twain, as edited by Bernard DeVoto, 1962).   

Twain goes on to describe how most men don’t sing or don’t like to sing, don’t play harps or other musical instruments, don’t pray or don’t like praying, don’t like church even if they go, don’t like the Sabbath day restrictions, have prejudices against other nations and people, and so forth.  Yet they have created a heaven where people sing without ceasing, pray and/or praise God perpetually, play harps continually, live as if it is always the Sabbath, and are all equal as brothers and sisters before God regardless of their race and ethnicity.  He asserts the foolishness and incongruence of a heaven that is so blatantly the opposite of our earthly joys and pleasures.

Fortunately, the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ holds forth a very different view of heaven than the one described by Mark Twain and most of the world.  Instead of a heaven where we perpetually and purposelessly sing and play harps all day amidst the clouds, Latter-day Saints know that heaven is one of eternal progression.  Heaven will be heaven because we live with God and our loved ones.  It will exist upon this very earth once it has been transformed through a glorifying and purifying process that will literally make it the Celestial Kingdom of God.  We know that we will live as exalted beings and will continue to grow and progress until we become like our Father in Heaven.  In D&C 130: 2, Joseph Smith stated: “And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy.” For LDS people, heaven has three degrees of glory, and to enter the highest portion of the highest degree of glory requires a husband and a wife to enter into the New and Everlasting Covenant of Marriage that can only occur in temple marriage sealing ceremonies (See D&C sections 131and 132).    As exalted beings, we will continue to create worlds, procreate as husband and wife, and have eternal “increase” (D&C 131: 4) or in other scriptural words “a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever” (D&C 132: 19).  To state the facts plainly, Latter-day Saints believe in a heaven where husband and wife who are sealed together eternally in celestial marriage continue to be intimate and continue the pleasures, joys, and familial experiences they began in mortality.  In contrast to the false version of heaven that Mark Twain parodied, LDS people believe heaven to be a place of refined continuation of the noblest of pleasures and virtues found in family life here on earth.  We don’t believe you experience pleasures on earth and austerity in heaven.  Twain’s mocking of mortals who live one way on earth and a very different way in heaven, doesn’t apply to our view.  As Latter-day Saints we are taught to live now to the extent possible in ways that will be consistent with our eventual, eternal, and exalted heavenly lifestyle. 

In the April 2013 General Conference, Elder L. Tom Perry quoted from his “little brown book” given to LDS Servicemen by the First Presidency during World War II.  In it is a passage attributed to Elder Stephen L. Richards, “Indeed our heaven is little more than a projection of our homes into eternity.” (Elder L. Tom Perry, April 2013 General Conference, “Obedience to Law is Liberty).  How beautiful!  Heaven is a projection or extension of our homes into eternity.  We don’t live lives of service and sacrifice for our family members only to be free of that relationship in eternity. Rather, the character development and relational bonds that come from Gospel living – attributes of service, forgiveness, fidelity, love, chastity, and so forth – are not something we endure in mortality to shed in heaven. Just as service is the “very fiber” of an exalted life, eternal increase and the continuation of seed forever through the sexual intimacies of an eternally sealed celestial marriage is the very purpose of the glorious eternal life that awaits the faithful. 

            I’ve come to learn that there are more righteous pleasures in heaven than we can possibly imagine.  Just as my dad taught me that “heaven wouldn’t be heaven without ice cream,” I firmly and totally believe that heaven wouldn’t be heaven for me without my wife and children.  Particularly, because of my temple sealing with my wife, Allison, my marital relationship is at the core of my eternal bliss and blessings.  That tells me what my priorities should be. 

            Eternal marriage, including sexuality, is central to the LDS theology and conceptualization of heaven.  I’m grateful for a revealed and restored view of heaven that includes the same joys and pleasures of family life – including marital intimacy – that we now enjoy.  Parley P. Pratt, speaking of his feelings about when the Prophet Joseph Smith taught him the restored truths about eternal marriage, once wrote:

 “…it was from him [Joseph Smith] that I learned that the wife of my bosom might be secured to me for time and all eternity; and that the refined sympathies and affections which endeared us to each other emanated from the foundation of divine eternal love. It was from the Prophet that I learned that we might cultivate these affections, and grow and increase in the same to all eternity.” (Parley P. Pratt, 1938, pp. 297–298.)

This truth motivates us to improve our relationships now, because we know we will carry them into the next life. That’s why heaven just wouldn’t be heaven without my wife and children.

            Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, stated this poignantly in a Church video entitled Between Heaven and Earth.  He stated:

“I don't know how to speak about heaven in the traditional, lovely, paradisiacal beauty that we speak of heaven – I wouldn’t know how to speak of heaven without my wife and my children.  It would not be heaven for me.  Now, you can say that’s wishful thinking; or you can say that’s just because we love each other and you’ve gotten cozy here on earth and you like each other’s company.  It’s a lot more than that.  There is something eternal in the statement that ‘Neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man, in the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 11: 11).  That is not just good sociology – that is theology.  It is eternal” (Between Heaven and Earth, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, DVD).

Why Teaching Our Youth Is More Important Today than Ever Before

Our youth are getting more and more messages about sex from sources outside our home about tolerating and accepting sexual norms that are contrary to the commandments of God.  The world, society, the media, and government are trying to take away our responsibility to teach our children about sexuality.  We have to become better equipped (and more comfortable talking about sex) to teach and talk with our children to be able to compete with the messages they receive outside our home and church about sex.  A one-time talk about “the birds and the bees” will not be able to compete with the relentless onslaught of secular messages about sex.  We must be more diligent and concerned at home about on-going, consistent teaching of our children the beauties and vicissitudes of following God’s plan for sexual purity.

Kyle N. Weir, PhD, LMFT, is a Professor of Marriage & Family Therapy at California State University – Fresno, a Therapist at Roubicek & Thacker, and author of Intimacy, Identity, and Ice Cream: Teaching Teens and Young Adults to Live the Law of Chastity.

The Re-United States of America

E Pluribus Unum.  The Latin phrase, “Out of many, one.” It’s on America’s coins and was the de facto motto of our nation until 1956 when the U.S. Congress adopted “In God We Trust” (another great notion to follow) as our nation’s official motto. We could learn a lot from E Pluribus Unum.

The Fourth of July weekend is always a time for me to reflect on our nation’s history (I’m increasingly becoming a amateur history aficionado).  The question I keep reflecting on again and again this year, “How can our noble American history (and even some of the ignoble moments), our American values, and principles of liberty inform our present and future?” Or more simply re-stated, “What can the wisdom and experience of our nation’s greatest founding thinkers and leaders teach us about our present condition and our future?” 

Honestly, the answer to that question could fill multiple volumes of several books, but for the purpose of this blog, I’ll just focus on one thing – Unity.

E Pluribus Unum reminds us that being American should unite us rather than divide us.  We have so many differences.  During the last few weeks, we’ve all seen how wide that divide can be.  As a pluralistic society, we are constantly navigating how to respect difference and diversity without losing our commonality.  People of different faiths or no faith at all; people of different races and ethnicities; people with different political viewpoints; and people of different ages, attractions, and affluence all live in America.  Despite a small moment of national unity after 9/11, America has emphasized difference for most of the 21^st century thus far. 

 

In fact, America has always been a conglomeration of disparate interests.  The very Constitution reflects the delicate balance of differences between the differing states.  From the days when Jefferson and Hamilton locked horns giving rise to the political party system, to the Whiskey Rebellion, to the Civil War and to Watergate, America has always had its deep, discouraging divisions.  Yet there have been glorious moments of unity – the Revolutionary War era, the Constitutional Convention (despite deep divisions, the Founding Fathers found a path to unity – that was a miracle!), both World Wars of the 20^th century, landing a man on the moon, and the aftermath of September 11, 2001.  In each of these circumstances, differences were set aside for the common good.  Moreover, there was a fundamental belief and commitment to American Exceptionalism, the goodness of America, and the existence of common ground that can be discovered through negotiation and diplomacy. In every previous generation, America found a way to find unity amidst diversity.  Are we losing the capacity to “be one nation under God” in this generation?  If so, why?  What do we gain by emphasizing difference over similarity?

Over the last academic year, I’ve been learning about a philosophy called axiology – the science of values.  A very small segment of counselors engage in what is called axiological counseling and I’m fascinated with this.  Axiology seeks to determine what are the values that seem to transcend cultural variation and other differences.  What axiology has taught me is that humans have more in common in what they value than they do differences.  The values that rise above difference tend to be pretty standard (we shouldn’t kill, shouldn't steal, but we should love our family, neighbors, and friends, etc. under most conditions – for a summary of axiology/value theory a brief synopsis is given at http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/value-theory/). 

This line of thinking led me to consider, what should Americans hold in common regardless of our different cultures and backgrounds?  Let me suggest three V’s that are broad categories to consider: Virtues, Values, and Valor.

Virtues

As an undergraduate student at USC studying Public Policy and Management, I took a course about ethics in government.  The professor, Terry Cooper, was an expert in the field.  In one of our books for the course, I remember reading a description of the Mayflower Compact.  It described the Mayflower Compact as one of the first American examples of “self-government by a virtuous people.”  That concept of personal virtue as a necessary precursor to public, ethical self-government resonated with me.  Over the years, I have accumulated a treasure trove of quotes by the Founding Fathers and their opinions about private and public virtue as necessary to our civic engagement.  It was clear that most of the Founding Fathers found morality (both personal and public) stemmed from religion and, while there was great variance between the Founding Fathers in how virtuously they lived their personal lives, they sensed that despite their personal weaknesses religion was the best modality for changing their less-than-angelic-natures.  John Adams, in particular, was quite ardent in striving for religious, personal morality and public virtue.  He stated:

“We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion. Avarice, ambition, revenge, or gallantry would break the strongest cords of our constitution as a whale goes through a net. Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”¹ 

In a letter to John Adams, Thomas Jefferson wrote:

“No government can continue good but under the control of the people; and … their minds are to be informed by education what is right and what wrong; to be encouraged in habits of virtue and to be deterred from those of vice … These are the inculcations necessary to render the people a sure basis for the structure and order of government.”²

Finally George Washington, himself, spoke highly of the role of virtue in a self-governed society:

“Virtue or morality is a necessary spring of popular government,”³ and “Human rights can only be assured among a virtuous people.”⁴

While people of various faiths may interpret certain doctrines and practices differently, the Ten Commandments have well served as a basis of ethical behavior in Judeo-Christian societies such as ours for centuries.  Jefferson indicates that these virtues should be taught “by education” as to what is “right and what is wrong.”  Naturally education starts in the home, but churches, synagogues, and schools have an important role to play in the education of basic right and wrong.  Adherence to the virtues of the Ten Commandments in the personal lives of Americans would do wonders for our society. 

Values

In addition to the personal and religious virtues necessary for self-governance in America, there are “American Values” that must be re-enthroned if we are to become united as Americans again.  The principal principle-based inscriptions within the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution (including the Bill of Rights), Ben Franklin's "13 Virtues," and Thomas Paine's Common Sense must become inscribed on the hearts of all Americans.  Principles of liberty, justice, equal opportunity, honest work, self-reliance, independence, determination, tenacity, thrift, compassion, beneficence, honor, and duty must be re-enthroned in the homes, classrooms, and houses of worship from the youngest of ages so that as the rising generation matures, they may successfully experiment with the balancing points of these values, so that they will know how to articulately speak and actively live these values and virtues with acumen beyond any previous American generation. 

For example, every American youth (and every adult) should read and comprehend Alexis De Tocqueville’s Democracy in America (if not both volumes at least the abridged version).  There is so much information in De Tocqueville’s work alone that informs Americans about our basic values that it is indispensible to the good working order of the “popular sovereignty” basis of our nation.  One of his central tenets in Democracy in America is that freedom and equality are juxtaposed values in tension with one another, like two sides of a scale.  As freedom rises, equality diminishes.  As equality rises, freedom diminishes.  While both are American values and both must exist for an effective society, the real question is “What is the proper balance of freedom and equality in society?”  De Tocqueville laments that Americans are too enamored with equality and undervalue the real prize of American constitutional republicanism – liberty.  But what do you think?  Have you ever considered this juxtaposed balance of values?  Many policy proposals are best understood as an attempt to emphasize either freedom or equality and tip the scale toward one or the other.  If Americans understood this basic principle, they would be more informed voters and we’d have a better society. 

We must also understand the difference between equal opportunity vs. equal outcome.  Do we want a society (like socialism and communism aspires to) that emphasizes equal outcomes, or do we simply need to do a better job at providing equal opportunities (like improving educational opportunities for all Americans in all school systems)? 

These questions about how to balance the nexus of competing American values (like freedom vs. equality; opportunity vs. outcome) have been written about extensively.  In addition to De Tocqueville, one must read Friedrich von Hayek’s The Road to Serfdom (or at least watch the five minute YouTube video/cartoon filmstrip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkz9AQhQFNY) and consider the Milton Friedman/Friedrich von Hayek discussions about economics before one can claim to be an informed voter.  I’d also recommend Edwin Feulner and Brian Tracy’s (2012) The American Spirit: Celebrating the Virtues and Values that Make Us Great.   

Valor

No matter what you may think of war, if it weren’t for the American military we wouldn’t be able to even have this discussion.  Their unparalleled record of protecting our freedoms over more than two centuries invokes our deepest gratitude.  At this time of national celebration (the 4^th of July) we honor those who fought to defend our personal liberties and national interests.  Moreover, we should pause and offer a prayer of thanks to God for the men and women who have given their “last full measure of devotion”⁵ on our behalf. 

The way we can best honor the valor of those who died for us is to live as honorably as we can with the same valor, courage, compassion, and determination to follow Pres. Lincoln’s admonition:

“…that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”⁶

Summary

After decades of division, America’s future resides in a “Re-United States of America” – a country that heals the public divides, lays down our theoretical/political/sociological divisive swords, and works together with a collaborative spirit for the common good of all.  From our many viewpoints and walks of life, we need to learn to transcend cultural, ethnic, socio-economic, and “other-isms” and seek to become united again.  We must always respect diverse viewpoints, faiths, cultures, ethnicities, and backgrounds.  We need not lose our unique, personal distinctiveness or heritage in the quest for American unity.  But it is liberty, freedom, and rights that primarily protect that diverse distinctiveness.  We must be more diligent and vigilant is preserving the liberties wherewith God hath made us free.  Pres. Ronald Reagan, 40^th President of the United States, warned us all:

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.

As you celebrate the 239^th birthday of our great nation, in addition to the food, fireworks, and fun, consider how to add freedom, faith, and family along with virtue, values, and valor to your life as an American.  May God bless us to be the “Re-“United States of America, once again.  God bless you and God bless America!

References:

1. John Adams, October 11, 1798, letter to the officers of the First Brigade of the Third Division of the Militia of Massachusetts. Charles Francis Adams, ed., The Works of John Adams, Second President of the United States, (Little, Brown, and Co., Boston, 1854), 9:229.

2. Thomas Jefferson to John Adams, 1819. ME 15:234.

3. Victor Hugo Paltsits, Washington’s Farewell Address (The New York Public Library, 1935), p. 124.

4. Washington to Marquis De Lafayette, February 7, 1788, John C. Fitzpatrick, ed., The Writings of George Washington, (U. S. Government Printing Office, Washington D. C., 1939), 29:410.

5. Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address, Nov. 19, 1863, http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/gettysburg.htm  Retrieved July 4, 2015.

6. Ibid.

7.  http://whowasronaldreagan.com/104/2013/08/31/freedom-is-never-more-than-one-generation-away-from-extinction-we-didnt-pass-it-to-our-children-in-the-bloodstream-it-must-be-fought-for-protected-and-handed-down-for-them-to-do-the-same-or-one-2/ , Retrieved July 4, 2015.