The Perfect Mirror - Our Worth Reflected in God's Eyes

How does a person measure their worth?

For some, it may seem a silly question.  "Just look up the balance in the bank account or other assets and you'll know how much a person is worth," the materialist might argue.  But most of us would find a simple monetary matrix to be a shallow and low-"meaningfulness" yield by which to measure life.  Other seemingly superficial or hollow measures of individual worth such as physical attractiveness, ownership of valuable commodities (like exotic cars), or even career success have proven over time that fleeting moments of accolades, acquisitions, and appearances do not bring rewarding, meaningful joy and happiness.

In terms of the "measuring" part of the question, we can look to Erik Erikson, the Ego Psychologist who masterfully outlined stages of human development, for a key.  He taught that the last stage of life involves a life review whereby a person can look back and either have Ego Integrity or Despair.  The key to satisfaction and contentment over a lifetime, according to Erikson, is to have integrity - that is, to live according to one's beliefs, whatever they may be.  Erikson warns, however, that if you believe one thing, and do another, you will feels despair.  I often tell my young twenty-something students about this concept of Integrity vs. Despair.  It excites me to tell them about the rewards of living according to their convictions because they have their whole lives ahead of them with so much opportunity to live with integrity.

But where does self-worth come from?  How does a child develop their understanding of themselves as a worthwhile individual?

Charles Horton Cooley back in 1909 described the process of self-concept development with his famous "looking-glass self."  A looking-glass is an old-fashioned term for a mirror.  In Cooley's model, the people around us are like a mirror seeing our behaviors and characteristics, evaluating them, and then reflecting them back to us.  We then take their reflective feedback into our self-concept.

For example, let's say little Suzy, a five-year old girl, is singing in the living room.  Her mom hears her, thinks Suzy sings beautifully, and comments, "Suzy, you have such a pretty voice.  I love to hear you sing."  Suzy takes that feedback from her mom unto herself and it becomes part of how Suzy sees herself.  She begins to believe that she is a good singer.

But a few days later, Suzy is singing once again in the evening and her mom and dad are trying to do their taxes.  Instead of getting the refund they were hoping for, it looks like they owe money to the government.  As they are upset and trying to concentrate, Suzy's singing is annoying her father and he says, "Suzy, will you cut out that noise?"  Now Suzy begins to question if she sings well.  She may choose to stop singing in front of others, or at least in front of her dad.

Fortunately, parental mistakes like the one described in the latter interaction are generally not "scarring" to a child's self-concept.  Rather, it is usually the accumulation of many interactions over time that builds a child's self-concept for good or ill.

Children go through three basic stages in the development of their self-esteem.  Self-awareness happens as an infant and early toddler begin to recognize they are separate entities from other people.  They learn the truth of the phrase, "I'm me, and you're you."  As they play with other children, you might hear them say, "Me, me, me, mine, mine, mine" when another child tries to play with their toys.  As annoying as it is during playdates, it's actually a good thing.  It means that they are learning their boundaries.

The next stage is self-concept.  This is the stage little Suzy, described earlier, was in.  Self-concepts are the building blocks of self-esteem.  Self-concept comes from a  child engaging in behaviors, getting feedback from trusted others, and then introjecting those concepts into how they see themselves.  So they learn if they are good readers and/or good at math.  Some find they are good soccer players, or piano players, or dancers.  As they engage in various "industries" (that's another Eriksonian stage), they gather several self-concepts.  Then, some time late in the elementary school years (roughly ages 9 through 12), the child stacks up enough of this self-concept-building-blocks, stands back, and realizes, 'I'm a good person."  When they go from, "I'm good at..." to "I am good." they have begun to have positive self-esteem - their global, overall sense of self.

But worth and esteem are not the same thing.  Self-esteem stems from a process of self-evaluation based on others' evaluations of us.  Worth is innate.  It comes from someplace deeper within the soul.

The problem with self-esteem is that the process is dependent on other's evaluations.  As we get older, we may develop better filters about whose opinions we trust and whose views of us that we mistrust.  But even with the most loyal, trustworthy person, their own flaws and quirks get blended into the reflections they send us.  Like convex and concave mirrors in a funhouse, the distortions in other people distort the reflection of ourselves we are given.  Everyone has flaws.  Their judgements of us contain their own biases stemming from their strengths and flaws.  Because no person is a perfect mirror, the process is also flawed.  You know the problem, "Garbage in, garbage out."

Fortunately, there is a Perfect Mirror.  God is the Perfect Mirror.  I know not everyone is a person of faith.  Whether you believe in God or not, please accept the postulate that human worth is unconditional, innate, and immutable.  It is the basic premise for human rights.  There is a great book (my students always chuckle when I say that because the phrase "There's a great book..." frequently escapes my mouth) - Glenn R. Schiraldi's (2001) The Self-Esteem Workbook.  In it he cites Claudia Howard's Five Laws of Human Worth:
1.  All have infinite, internal, eternal, and unconditional worth as persons.
2.  All have equal worth as people.  Worth is not comparative or competitive...
3.  Externals neither add to nor diminish worth.  Externals include things like money, looks, performance, and achievements.  These only increase one's market or social worth.  Worth as a person, however, is infinite and unchanging.
4. Worth is stable and never in jeopardy (even if someone rejects you).
5.  Worth doesn't have to be earned or proved.  It already exists.  Just recognize, accept, and appreciate it.

For those who, like me, believe in God, we know that the innate worth of a soul emanates from God.  In the pre-mortal realms, He selected from among the intelligences those with the capacity to become like Him.  All humans are the offspring of God - His sons and daughters.  He is the Father of our spirits and spent eons of time (however that is measured in eternity) before this earth was ever created nurturing, tutoring, and developing the God-given talents He created in us.

In my faith tradition there is a scripture that I love:

10 Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;
(Doctrine & Covenants 18:10)

Notice that God said great.  Not good, or so-so, but great.  Also notice that the worth comes from "the sight of God" - how He sees us.

As a young man, my friends in my church and I went to seminary every morning at 6 am before high school.  One day something was said - I don't remember exactly what it was - but it prompted me to pray to ask God to see others the way He sees them.  Later that day I was working our student government candy store.  The funny thing about candy stores is that everyone from all walks of life love candy.  The jocks and cheerleaders, the nerds and band geeks, and the academics and "stoners" as they were called in the 1980s - a veritable diverse, cross-section of campus life all came to the window through the lunch hour to buy candy.  As I worked at the candy window store that day, I was blessed that as each person came up to the window God blessed me to see a window into their souls.  Every single soul was beautiful beyond description.  Seeing others the way God sees them was a gift that I've experienced from time to time while serving as a bishop and as a therapist.

Seeing ourselves (and others) the way God sees us is the first step to coming to understand our individual worth and divine potential.  When we see our worth reflected in His eyes, then we'll be staring into the Perfect Mirror - one that we can truly trust without flaws.

Three Cousins: Trust, Attachment, and Intimacy

You see three people walking down the street.  By the looks of their features you know they are related, but there are enough differences to make you question how closely related they are to each other.  Siblings? Possibly.  But more likely, they are cousins, you surmise.  They have a common ancestor somewhere back there, but how far back is uncertain to you.

That's how I think about the interpersonal concepts of trust, attachment, and intimacy that I work with every day as a marriage & family therapist (MFT) and as a professor training MFTs.  My experience has taught me that trust, attachment, and intimacy are like three cousins that have similar features with a commonality stemming from the fuzzy murkiness of vulnerability and a deeper "root" (excuse the genealogical double entendre) in self perceptions of worth.

The image below helps outline my ideas about the interrelatedness of trust, attachment, and worth:

Erik Erikson describes the first year of life through the lens of Ego Psychology.  The first developmental task of every infant is learning to either trust or mistrust their parents or primary caregivers.  If the caregiver is reliable, dependable, kind, and attentive to the child's needs, the child learns to trust.  If not, then mistrust ensues and development is hindered.  The child has to learn to trust in order to move on to the next stage of autonomy.  In this epigenetic model of development, we take the success (or failures) with us as resources to the next stage of developmental tasks.

John Bowlby similarly describes the same process as the dependent infant child relies of the parents or caregivers for their basic physical and emotional needs.  As parents consistently meet a child's needs, the child and parents develop a secure connection or attachment to one another.  Consistency is the key, of course.  Winnicott taught us that perfect parenting really messes up kids and we need to focus on "good enough" mothering or fathering.  Attachment is so vital because it also encompasses co-regulation of affect that eventually helps the child to self-regulate or "self-soothe" their emotions.

Notice in both the trust and attachment concepts there is an inherent vulnerability of the infant child.  They are totally vulnerable and completely dependent on the good care of their parents or caregivers.

Years later, in the late teens and young adult phases of life, intimacy will resume this vulnerable theme from the earlier negotiations with trust and attachment from their life.  In an article I published in the March 2015 LDS Living Magazine entitled "Teens, Identity, and Intimacy" I outlined how teen identity development is crucial to healthy intimacy in the young adult years.  I wrote about total human intimacy - emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, etc. - every dimension where we can get close to people.

I define intimacy in the following way:

INTIMACY IS THE VULNERABLE SHARING OF ONE'S SELF THAT IS RECEIVED WITH KINDNESS AND OFTEN MUTUALLY RECIPROCATED (OR IN OTHER WORDS RETURNED).


Intimacy requires vulnerability.  When you share a deep thought or personal feeling, there is always the risk that the other person might laugh, scorn, reject, or ignore this tender, personal offering from within your soul.  With physical intimacy (ideally shared fully in marriage), there's the hope that as you bare your body and offer it to another, that they will like, desire, and cherish that which you are sharing.  It is within the safe covenant of marriage that the total expression of all such emotional, intellection, physical and spiritual intimacies are meant to be shared, but any relationship can be fraught with the risk inherent in whatever appraise degree of vulnerable sharing is warranted for the relationship.  Further, all dimensions of intimacy requires the sharing of one's self.  This is why identity formation work in the teen years is so crucial for successful intimacy.  If you don't know yourself, you can't successfully share yourself with another.  Hopefully, the person on the receiving end of your vulnerable sharing of your self recognizes the proffered opportunity to connect and receives it with kindness, appreciation, and respect.

Then, in that magical moment, there's an opportunity for that other person to vulnerably share themselves back with you.  If they do so, a bond, connection, chemistry, or "intimate moment" occurs.  That is the precise time that people really feel heard, understood, valued, and loved.  This experiential path to intimacy deepens as the process is repeated over and over (hence the term "often" in my definition of intimacy).  This is where the couple or other relationship form a deep intimate bond - one that repeated experience has shown that trust, dependability, safety, security, kindness, and tenderness can be reliably expected because that structural pattern in the relationship has often borne that out.

So as trust, attachment, and intimacy build on one another through their interrelatedness, the commonality is how vulnerability is handled, accepted, and embraced.  Vulnerability is a subject for a lengthier discourse, but I would refer you to the work of Brene Brown in Daring Greatly or her other books or TED Talks.  She literally made a science out of the study of vulnerability.

One thing I hope to add to the conversation about trust, attachment, intimacy, and vulnerability is that self-worth is at the core of our capacity to be vulnerable.  If you don't think your ideas, feelings, thoughts, inspirations, or affections are worth sharing, you will build up defenses and resorts of false security within which you will hope to hide your self-perceived flawed self.  It takes a healthy dose of self-worth to generate the confidence to be vulnerable.

So the bottom line is this: Believe in yourself!  Believe you have great worth!  Take this opportunity to share a deeper part of your self with a trusted person in your life.  Start with a thought or idea and take a chance that they may find you fascinating.  Who knows, they may even share a richer part of themselves back with you?  Daring to trust in your great worth is the first step to becoming better acquainted with the three cousins that will enrich your life: trust, attachment, and intimacy.