Parenting, Pain, Patricide, and The Power of Star Wars: The Force Awakens 

Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens, there is information in this blog that will spoil the plot-line.  Go watch the movie first, and then read my blog.  If you are one who hasn’t watched any Star Wars movies (Where have you been hiding all these years?), go watch all seven of them (in the following order: Episode IV, V, VI, I – yes even this one despite its flaws, II, III, and VII) and then read my blog.

I love Star Wars!!! Frankly, who doesn't? As the meme says, "You either love Star Wars or you're wrong." All joking aside, the original Star Wars: A New Hope (Episode IV) came out when I was a six year-old boy. In my mind's memory, vast portions of my childhood play were devoted to Star Wars in one way or another. It was the perfect blend of Space Opera meets "Coming of Age" saga for the children of my generation. Larger than life, and with the best cinematic technology for its time, Star Wars kindled the imagination and indelibly imprinted the quest for "The Hero's Journey" into our hearts and minds. Watching the new Star Wars: The Force Awakens (Episode VII) still evokes pleasant childhood reminiscence mixed with gleeful anticipation of new things to come. As a 44 year-old man, this new movie makes me feel like a kid all over again. That's a magical thing. But the greatest reason I love Star Wars: The Force Awakens (TFA as a short-hand moniker) has very little to do with my childhood and everything to do with my experiences in parenthood.

In most of the six previous Star Wars movies, parenting skills weren't prominent. Anakin has a mysterious paternal parentage (the midi-chlorian theory was atrociously bad – a sarcastic “Thanks, George” goes out to the “Creator” for that one). Anakin gets whisked away way too young. His mother's death after years of absence only makes things worse for Anakin. And Leia and Luke clearly weren't parented well by their dead mother (Padme) and their evil father, Darth Vader. Let's face it, the first six Star Wars movies relegate parenting to implied genetic inheritance of the mystical powers of the Force being "strong" in the Skywalker family with very little consideration given to the nurturing side of the Nurture vs. Nature debate. But TFA changes all that. For the first time we see midlife-going-onto-the-"Young Old" generation parents grappling with the consequences of their parenting decisions. Our heroes, Han Solo and Leia Organa clearly have felt pain and sorrow as a result of how their son Ben/Kylo Ren turned out. Indeed the entire Skywalker/Solo family has been wrenched apart by the product of their parenting efforts. Han alternately blames himself and Snokes. Leia likewise wrestles with self-blame and hope. Even Uncle Luke blamed himself enough to disappear for thirty-some years and hideout as a Jedi hermit on top of the Emerald Isle we see at the end of the movie (and which disappearance forms the central plot line of TFA). In this new movie, parenting choices and the impact of that parenting on their family (and their galaxy) lie squarely central to the story. We aren't given much detail. Ben was supposed to be trained by Luke, Leia regrets sending Ben away (whenever that was isn't given nor was the surrounding circumstances of that choice). We know Snokes somehow interfered and swooped in to lead Ben to the dark side. What we do know is that Ben is torn between the light and the dark sides of the Force, that Ben is torn between seeing Han as a "disappointment" as a father and still yearning for daddy's approval, and that in Jungian archetype fashion, the Father (in this case Han Solo) is seen as both powerful and impotent to sway or save his son. Leia has to remind Han that a father can be even more powerful than a Jedi in persuading a wayward son to mend his ways and straighten up. As a midlife father, I felt such an emotional connection with Han in this movie. How often I wished I could get my grown and nearly grown "children" to see things my way and do things the way I would do them, but to no avail. Life's not meant for it to work that way. Each child has been blessed and cursed with free will (or in other words "moral agency") to choose their path for themselves. It's a necessary double-edged sword (or in Kylo Ren's case triple-bladed lightsaber) that allows growth and joy or failure and heartache to be equally plausible but individually and solely accountable. The highlight of the movie comes when Han (at Leia's request) goes out on a catwalk to try and bring Ben/Kylo Ren home (and back to the light side of the Force).

Incidentally, Star Wars has taught me a very important parenting warning: Fathers and sons should NEVER walk out on a catwalk together and talk about their relationships. It doesn't end well - whether someone loses a hand or other limb, or possibly their lives - being out on a catwalk over a vast abyss with your father or son (or Jedi Master/Padawan learner) isn't a good idea.

Out on that perilous catwalk, Han promises he'll doing "anything" to help bring his son back and ease the struggle not realizing patricide was what Kylo Ren had in mind. But even after being stabbed, Han lovingly caresses his son's face as his final act in mortality. He loved his son to the very end, despite the betrayal and heartache. What pathos!!! What truth!!! Call it co-dependency or enmeshment, but our souls are inextricably intertwined with our children to the joyous or bitter end.

For the parents like me back in our galaxy, Star Wars: TFA teaches us powerful truths about loving our wayward children, reminding us that parenting doesn’t end when they reach maturity, and that even the best of parents have children who go astray despite our best efforts.  We are called upon to love them no matter what.

Though the parentage of the other main character in this rising generation, Rey, is still shrouded in mystery, we can also learn that children are resilient.  It will be interesting to see in the movies to come what further parenting lessons Star Wars will teach us all.  So to all parents out there struggling with their emerging young adult children, I bid you these two last words of wisdom: Avoid talking to your children on catwalks over a vast abyss and may the Force be with you!